Felt it was worth tumbling that I’m having pizza and beer for dinner. Just waiting on delivery. Just the right combination of grease and laziness. Quite the all-American meal. U-S-A!

Going up to the weekend cottage this weekend. Some people call it the Biltmore. Whatever.

If Presidents and Presidential candidates had to get evaluations like in the NFL Combine, I’d have to think they’d look like this:

George Washington: Good size. Natural leader. Struggled against Stanford due to their mascot. Built-in mouth guard.

Herbert Hoover: Experienced, but has documented struggles with depression. SEC officiating problems can be linked to him.

Richard Nixon: Evaluation missing.

Jimmy Carter: Motivated, and relates well to teammates. Durability issues as he has tendency to run out of gas towards end of the game.

Rick Santorum: Too hung up on off-field issues of teammates. Doesn’t want to get penetration at the line.

Mitt Romney: Good look, but constantly changing his mind at the line. Prefers flip-flops to cleats.

And since it’s now stuck in your head, here you go.

I know that a post is long overdue. And I will tumble for you. Just not right now. I’m moving and have much packing to do. However, procrastination will come later. Stay tuned!

http://www.didthelakersgetswept.com/

BETTER THAN A LAUNDROMAT CALLED ‘SUDS’

I’m going to check out the Brewvival Beer Festival down in Charleston today. I’ve never actually been to a beer festival, but it’s going to be sunny and 65 with a whole lot of craft beer around, so what’s not to like? I’m told that the event will feature some 30 brewers and around 100 varieties of specialty beers from around the Southeast and beyond. There will be no Bud Light, keg stands, or mechanical bulls here. Was that a collective sigh from my readers? This is for craft brewers to bring rare, reserve beers that generally aren’t available. It sounds interesting, so I’ll give it a try. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

So maybe it’s just me, but trying to figure out women is about as easy as nailing Jell-O to a tree.

If you’re a guy and you have seen the movie, “What Women Want,” you have one problem with it. Ok, two problems with it. But besides the obvious, the major problem is that the movie doesn’t answer the question. When it comes to women, guys are about as “with it” as Gary Busey after last call.

Ask some women what they want from a man and they will tell you “maturity.” This is a very common response. However, going to most men for maturity is like going to Jessica Simpson for tutoring in Organic Chemistry.

Ask other women what they want from a man and they might tell you “Peanut M&M’s.” Well, that’s a reasonable request but keep in mind that 26 million adult America males are overweight. So, you’d have a better chance of finding a Rhodes scholar at the Ronald McDonald College of Knowledge than of getting that bag of candy.

Ask Chelsea Clinton what she wants from a man and she will say someone who isn’t her father. 

Ask Melissa Rivers what she wants from a man and she will say someone who isn’t her mother.

The point is that all women want different things.

Now, while I don’t claim to be any authority on this topic, I do think I have a few helpful hints for the guys. Now, notice I said think. I think, therefore I am single. Remember that. Write that down. But here goes:

1. You’re probably not a professional athlete; so don’t try to be one. Those high school football trophies will probably impress her as much as stories about your ex-girlfriend. Move on.

2. When you’re out at dinner, don’t let the bill sit. It doesn’t matter if she had surf and turf. Pick it up and immediately pay. This will save you from the awkward silence and wondering of who pays for what. After all, you might as well get used to paying anyway. My dad is still paying off my mom’s shopping sprees from 1979.

3. They might deny it, but chocolate is always a good way to go. Yes, woman love getting flowers. But guys c’mon. All flowers say is that, “Hey, I like you, but I am a tongue tied freak!”

4. Let’s officially end all pick up lines. “Is it hot in here or is it you?” Please. All you did was just secure yourself a ride on It’s a Sad World After All.

5. Girls like a challenge. If you go to Blockbuster and she picks out “Dude, Where’s my Car?” simply say Dude, where’s the plot? And suggest something better.

So have we learned anything? Well, when it’s all said and done, women simply want honesty, acceptance, love, passion and respect. They want what any man would want; to be satisfied physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Or if nothing else, a sparkly rock the size of a fist.

*I actually wrote this column when I was in college. It’s about 8 years old, but it still applies. Enjoy!*

So maybe it’s just me, but with a new year upon us and all the idealism floating around about a new you, there is probably as much chance of people keeping their new year’s resolutions as there is of Ozzy Osbourne wearing a white t-shirt.

C’mon America. Every year we make the same promises and always end up with the same results. The greatest resolution of all time has to be “to lose weight.” Now that’s a great goal. The problem is that it just isn’t happening. A CNN poll shows that 80 percent of people older than 25 are overweight. That figure has risen from 71 percent in 1995, 64 percent in 1990 and 58 percent in 1983. Look at those statistics. A deficit in those numbers is about as scarce as a business suit in Avril Lavigne’s wardrobe.

But don’t let her throw you off course. All weight loss really takes is a good diet, regular aerobic exercise and maybe throw in some weight lifting for anaerobic work. You know just thinking about it makes me tired already. Society has us convinced that we all need to look like models. We need to be utterly stunning with abs tighter than Joan Rivers’ face.

So it looks like a venture to the gym might be in order. Have you ever noticed that the people at the gym are the ones who have no business being there? You know whom I am talking about. Those big guys who have muscles on top of muscles, and who make me feel not as Schwarzenegger as I usually do. Well here’s a fun thing to do. I’m about five foot nothing and one hundred and nothing. So I like to listen to these guys who make more noise lifting weights than Monica Seles hitting a forehand. Then I’ll pick up those big heavy twenty-five pound weights and make even more noise. Then I’ll put down the weights and explain to Mr. Universe “he is doing it all wrong.” His laughter and mine alone have saved us thirty minutes of cardio from all the calories we just burned up. But give these guys credit. They have the discipline and dedication to get the muscles and the Baywatch women that guys make New Year’s resolutions to get.

Sure, most people aren’t happy with the way they look, but if you don’t like it change it. It’s not like a remote control where if you don’t like what’s on, you can change the channel. It takes a little more motivation. If you need motivation well go down to the local McDonald’s and have a look around, or best of all have a fight with your roommate and step out for a little while from that Big Brother episode being shot in your dorm room.

Well, it’s my BB-Day. This is very exciting. I’ll try and be funny later.